Ghost in me

This is my first time to talk about it publicly after since it happened for such a long time ago. For almost a year it has happened, but it's still haunting me until today.

During that time, I thought I was alright and everyone that knew about it, I just told them that I'm ok. I'm super fine. I really thought I was too. But I was wrong. I'm not fine with it at all. After awhile, I did not talk nor think about it. Hence, it had become a taboo for me. Never to mention about it again.

It's so wrong that time to time, all the words that you guys said behind me, would just appear lashing me again and again. The images of what had happened, would just bouncing excitedly in my mind. Then only I knew, the wound has never been recovered. It's always there, just that I've ignored it. Because those words and images, are like salt sprinkled on an injury.

Until today, I really can't think through, how come you guys thought that what you guys had come out with, was best for me. I really hate that that's a fact now how it was being done. Am I the one being selfish or you guys are? Never count the consequences how it would end up if it were disclosed? Never know how it would haunt me and leave an impact on me?

Have you guys imagined how would I feel, whenever the past overtakes my rational self? I just can't forget, the feeling of being a clown, where everything was being planned and played by you guys. I was the only one being fooled, looking all silly and stupid when the truth was revealed. That feeling is really unforgettable. I'm totally ashamed, embarrassed and no dignity at all, hoping that I were to be somewhere else. But reality tells me, that would never happen and if one day it did, me myself couldn't even make sure that I'd be happy about it.

How much tears that I've dropped? How many times I cried silently but in my heart those cries were as loud as thunder? How many nights that I cried till I fell asleep? I really can't tell. I've lost count so long ago. And yes, I admit that I'm just that lousy and weak.

I hate for being having such good memories where I've tried so hard to forget everything bad that had happened. But my brain is just as stubborn as myself, an oxen. How I wish, I'm not a person that as sensitive as I am today. How I wish, I'm not a person that is so emotional as I am today. These characteristics don't do me any good in these times....

Maybe I, holding back all the emotions by withholding every single words that I wanted to say or shout, is the reason behind how I've ended up today. But if I were given the chance to shout it now, right in front of you all, there would be no voice to come out from an open mouth of mine. It has just sunk too deep for me to express myself anymore. It's too late.

Long enough, I've forgiven you guys as what has been done, can't be undone. But I really can't forget. Sometimes the words are like millions of irritating flies buzzing around my ears or sometimes I feel like I am this tiny little dwarf, standing there and billions of letters fall on my body, hitting me badly.

For many times, I tried to rebuild the relationship between us, but it never last long. Either you did or said something, which brought back all the bad memories again. Really, I tried so hard, but it just wouldn't go well, damn it. I'm suffocating. I never dare to say a single word as I afraid, what I say would end up destroying that little relationship forever that we still have now.

At times, I can't tell what you are actually feeling/ thinking. It used to be I can see things, I don't mean 100% accurate, but mostly 80%. You tell lies, I knew. You are sad, I knew. You are happy, I knew. You are worried, I knew. You are excited, you are upset, you are bored, you are day dreaming and I KNEW. But now, I really don't have the confidence to say that anymore. I can't be sure for everything, not even half. I fail now, totally.

I'm really clueless for what I could do still. I really hate this feeling, this situation, this period. If I ever need to act for a play/ drama, I'd nail it by just thinking all this as I could just shed tears in one blink of my eye.

I really hope that you are not having these dilemma that I am having. The incident has spoil the fun between 4 persons could have, and I assume the rest has moved on, just me that still being covered by these dark clouds.

Maybe I should just be more abusive to myself to get rid of it and stop being conquered by the dreadful past. Whatever which is taboo to see, I see as much as I could. Whatever which is hurtful to talk/ listen to, I talk/ listen to as much as I could. Maybe this is how it could be cured and demolish.

I truly hope that I would overcome this as soon as possible. If not, I'd be haunted and be killed one day- the deadly depression.

I cry silently. I pray silently. Hope HE heals me and rebuked me from this evil spirit soon.....



p/s. Thanks for spending your precious time in reading this and I do not intend to hurt anyone by writing this. I just need to release a bit or I'd explode.

--Jenn a.k.a. blueyfetes--

我又能怎样？

看见我不想看见的东西，会不开心，我能怎样？

正当我的伤口快复原的时候，又有盐巴洒在伤口上，我能怎样？

我尽全力忘记过去，不去想它，但是我的脑袋总是不听话，我能怎样？

我不说话，你们又说我摆臭脸，我能怎样？

我说话，你们又说我太直接，伤到别人的心，我能怎样？

我不喜欢过分短的简讯，你不喜欢传简讯，我能怎样？

我心里明明就很想念你，但是却不能告诉你，我能怎样？

我说，我喜欢你，你说，为什么你要告诉我；

我说，我喜欢你，你说，为什么你不早点告诉我，我能怎样？

我疯狂，你严肃；我热情，你冷酷；我缓慢，你迅速；我积极奋斗，你原地踏步；

你说？？？我又能怎样？？？

我对我说，刻意忘记是行不通的。唯一可以做的，就是学习看开一点。我啊，你已经很努力了！只不过，需要时间．．．．是很长的时间．．．．这就是我，你的弱点。

你说，我还能怎样？



--Jenn a.k.a. blueyfetes--

Happy belated Mothers' Day

On last Mothers' Day, I brought mom to have shabu- shabu. Brother wasn't free to join. So today, it's his time to bring mom and I (tumpang la~) for some nice food. :D

Another flower~
I love how Mr. Z capturing flowers and plants. Look at the colours!!!

Rakuzen@ Desa Park City we all went~

Mickey attempt. Failed.

Uni sushi- RM 20.00 (for one BIJI!!!)
A waste of money but lucky we didn't order a dozen of Uni (sea urchin)!

Salmon sashimi- RM22.00
Not my cup of tea.

Maguro Yamakake- RM12.00
Taste weird to me (white "yogurt" underneath) as I didn't try the raw tuna.

Hotate Isoyaki- RM26.00

Simply awesome!!

Sukiyaki- RM30.00

Beef!! *thumbs up!!*

Dobin Mushi- RM16.00
Some sort like seafood soup. A bit too salty for me.

Agedashi Tofu- RM12.00
Never missed ordering this dish.

I just love this kind of flammable jelly~

Gyuniku Misoyaki- RM28.00
Pinky pinky beef~

Uhm.... so so only... I prefer the beef with Sukiyaki pot.

Spider Maki- RM22.00
A lot bigger portion than the one from Sushi Zanmai!!
*but of course, a lot more expensive too*

Hotate Mentai- RM26.00
Ho ho ho~~~~ superb!!

Macha Ice for me- RM6.00

Goma Ice (Black Sesame) for bro and mom- RM6.00

Total bill, almost RM300 for 3 pax. Thank you koh koh~~~~ ho ho ho~~~~

Mom wanted more ice cream, so we went to this shop that sells imported goods from Japan. She has sweet tooth, always loves desserts.

I saw my favourite Panda biscuits, couldn't resist.

Choco Choco for my koibito and friends~

More Macha Ice!!
Oh, Papico is the most awesomest "juice" I ever had!!

Ok, that's all for this post. Hope I "fed" you well. :P
Tell then~~~ ciao ciao~



--Jenn a.k.a. blueyfetes--

I get to be the lucky one sometimes...

There would be more pictures than words in this entry.

Sometimes, I get to be very lucky because of the friends I have, and family of course. But this entry, is because of a friend.

Early in the morning, got up and went to Pavilion for this charity screening.

Got free ticket from a friend and the seat was exceptionally nice.
Prince of Persia is a very good movie! Me ♥

After movie, went straight to Genting.
It was too hot in KL, had to runaway for awhile.

Saw this funny man talking when we passed by.

Got "conned" because I thought they're showing the Turtle 4D Vision...
But in the end watched Haunted House instead.

Time for some artsy pics~

I like this for no reason. :)

My Mr.Z did a great job in taking the pictures of flowers...
Made them look like they had been photoshoped.

You get what I mean?
I like cut and paste the flower >.<

Like the contrast of colours~

I think I'd love to take microphotography some day~

White flower~

Oh! Bug spotted!! Snap one first~

Like some monster's mouth >.<

Sakura???

This flower looks really fake here...

Yellow flower~

Misty~ misty~ misty~~ I likey~~~

I had to hold the flower to get a clear picture of it. Strong wind.

Ho ho~~~ very very misty~~~~

Quite dangerous to drive.

I set something to my camera... so this is the effect.
Kinda like it though~

WTF!!!
Like the tripod attacking Tom Cruise and Dokota Fanning in War of the World. LMAO!!

I really appreciate for the programs that you've arranged. It was really something nice to do during the long weekend. You're tried hard to make me feel comfortable, happy, excited and satisfied all times. Sorry if my sour face had down turned you... I was just tired for a whole day of outing, I'm old :P Allow me to say thank you once more and I'm lucky to have a friend like you. Hope we're friends forever~~~~~~~ :)


--Jenn a.k.a. blueyfetes--

I love 3P!!

One fine afternoon, I got a sms from Chiann Yien. A good one. A bomb. A sms which able to get me so excited and happy. It's been such a long time ago, that I felt like that after reading a sms. :) It's even longer that we've never been on 3P!!

First we went to KLCC.
I was in the car when taking this... No idea why it's sengit >.<

Then saw this interesting man with 10 fingers at Pavilion.

If kena slap the finger prints sure damn yeng one!

Vincci sales.
I didn't see anything I like there, lucky.

When Harajukus meet.....

Stopped at Gelatomio for ice cream.
Black sesame was awesome!! Yum yum~

Cuppochino was..... uh..... made me drunk.

The happy woman with new hat+fav black sesame ice cream.

Happy man with ice cream + uh.... hair that spikes really high??

Dinner's at:

We knew each other long enough, since standard 3. :)

Happy that after so many years, things between us didn't change much.
Although we don't see each other frequently, but the bond is still there. :) Well, at least I think so.

Various type of Chili~

Looking innocent with flower?

Clinching so hard on her glass of Ice Leman Tea. Hahahaha

Don't know what sour plum drink.
Thing to focus: Xiao bo that cucuking the lemon hysterically. hahahaha

Once they served, I knew it's not going to taste good.
And I was correct!

Sweet and sour chicken.
It tastes okay, but the chicken........ CANNOT LAH!

4 beauties. This is good!
People that don't eat brinjal like me, ate one and did not spit out!

Curry vegetable pot.
Not a bad choice at all. :D

Star decoration temp failed. >.<

Like this pic~
*credit to CY*

After Hon Wei took this pic of me, I said:" take again, you shook hands liao~."

But I look like I was in shock in this pic. Hahaha.
I like the blurry one better :P

One more!

Full moon that night.
No wonder it was so wonderful~ :)

I did not really wrote about you guys before. So I'll just take this chance to write. I'm really happy that we went out together, I mean 3 peeps together, once again. It's been so long ago the last time we did, till I forgot when. I thought it might not happen again, but it did. I just can't stop smiling.

CY- I really like the thoughts and time we shared among each other. Spending time with you is so comforting... as I don't have to act and worry about anything. I appreciate the honesty we shared and silly jokes we had. 14 years++ really isn't a short time, I hope our love will just continue to flow forever~ xoxo

HW- I know you not as long as I know CY, but it's long enough to step into the 11th year. You're someone reliable and always be there whenever I need help. I guess you're the bbf I ever had. I treasure you. xoxo

Ok, enough of emo thoughts :P but I meant for every single word that I typed. I'm lucky to have known you guys and we still stay together until today. I LOVE 3P!!!



--Jenn a.k.a. blueyfetes--