In loving memory of Abby the sturdy girl

 Dear Abby,


We brought you home from SPCA last year 27 Aug, Hari Raya, a very special day.

From the first sight, you were so cute and timid; but once I entered the kennel, you had jumped on me and I immediately made the decision to bring you home.

You were such a sweet heart that welcomed us home whenever we got home from outside. You were naughty at times, or I should rather say playful; brought so much joy to our family and Cody.

Maybe it was the past, where you might had being abused and a survivor of distemper fever, you're such a strong and understanding girl. 

Last week, after a couple of days of vomiting and no appetite, we had sent you to the vet for check-up. The next day, you had started vomiting blood and in the end, you had passed on on a Sunday morning (30 May 2013). I'm sorry I didn't get to spend enough time with you and I didn't get to see you for the one last time. I hope you suffer no more and now in a better place.

The blood test report was out only after you left, caused by acute renal failure, might be something poisonous you had swallowed. If it was someone poisoned you, they will have their karma soon. If it was an accident, I wish you will have a better life there, this world was too cruel and tough for you..... 

Abby, you will always be in my mind and my love be with you always. I will always miss your affection and smiles. Lots of love~

Your happy smiley face that I will always miss~

Glad that we did take pictures together, one of my favourite because you were smiling!

Although the time you stayed with us was short, I do hope it was a wonderfull memory for you as it was really wonderful for me... 



-- Jenn a.k.a. blueyfetes --

成长

以前，都会很执著地想，是我的错吗？为什么会这样？

很多年以后，我想，what ever you like。根本都不会有答案。

我从来就不是一个逆来顺受的人。什么事都会争取到底，直到有个满意的结局。

如今，我犯而不校；要来就来吧！

是厌倦？是看开？还是逃避？

我不知道。因为我累积的经验告诉我，打破沙锅问到底是行不通的，只会让自己变得卑微。

收拾心情需要很大的力气，很累人的。看那刚和情侣分手的；刚失去亲人的；刚被解雇的；刚发现自己得了癌症的，需费多少的力气去收拾啊？

偶尔想想你，窝心一下就好了。得空？那就见见面咯~ 很简单的事，只是yes or not 罢了，不用婆妈； 那不是我的作风。

人生，没有几回。什么时候会停止都不知道。与其执著，倒不如随遇而安，那会更自在。

享受现在、感恩拥有、平常心态、自由自在、love life!



-- Jenn a.k.a. blueyfetes --

It's so empty.....

You've flown and reached Japan quietly and didn't bring me along. This blog entry would be so empty and dull, because I couldn't even stand long in the fitting room on my own.

Before you left, we all went to "clubbing", but we didn't get to enjoy as how we always did in Zouk. We could only go together again after 1 year now. It wouldn't be the same to go clubbing without you :(

Think I should put on contact lenses?

It didn't give any effect after the "clubbing". I could still woke up early in the morning and went for class, paid full attention and adsorbed.

Sense wearing the dress we bought her for X'mas.
She wished you all the best and take good care there.
Ganbatte!

Then I went to 1U alone, to get the dress I wanted (when I was with you, for a smaller size). That was it, I really just got myself 1 dress only.

Hmmm.... a lil bit too cute la >.<
I'm even praising myself now??

Ok, this looks more like me. Fierce.

Blouse that made me looks like I was pregnant.

Finally~~~ the dress!
Polka dots-i~~~

In 30 minutes time, I had done with shopping and left 1U. That was the fastest shopping I ever had. Sigh........

Will countdown everyday and wait for the time you're back.
I miss those time.

Meanwhile, take care there. Like you said, you're alone over there. I will contact lengti on and off and accompany her a bit. I know she misses you so much more than I do. Love you~ xoxo

p/s: Never hesitate to find me for help (even though I can't be physically there, at least I can listen and think ways for you)



-- Jenn a.k.a. blueyfetes--

I'm really clueless of what you're doing and did. I can't even figure out the title for this entry.

How come when I asked can you, you always say yes. But in the end, it's never a "yes"? If you can't make it, just tell, I'm a very independent person, I can get it done on my own.

But after you promised me, you didn't even inform me when you couldn't make it. I had to ask then only you said, sorry, bla bla bla....

The sorry and bla bla bla you have said, I could have join it all and it's a perfect "Bla Bla black shit (sheep)" song!

Then everything ended up unhappy. I'm also sick of seeing your "guilty face" now. Last time I deceived, and felt sorry for you. This time, I tried my best to make you feel guilty. Humph!

Can't you see the problem?? It's so effing annoying you know!

And I kept giving you chances and tolerate. But my tolerance and patience have reached the limits! No more other times.

I say, FUCK THIS CRAP!!

-Jenn a.k.a. blueyfetes-

Ghost in me

This is my first time to talk about it publicly after since it happened for such a long time ago. For almost a year it has happened, but it's still haunting me until today.

During that time, I thought I was alright and everyone that knew about it, I just told them that I'm ok. I'm super fine. I really thought I was too. But I was wrong. I'm not fine with it at all. After awhile, I did not talk nor think about it. Hence, it had become a taboo for me. Never to mention about it again.

It's so wrong that time to time, all the words that you guys said behind me, would just appear lashing me again and again. The images of what had happened, would just bouncing excitedly in my mind. Then only I knew, the wound has never been recovered. It's always there, just that I've ignored it. Because those words and images, are like salt sprinkled on an injury.

Until today, I really can't think through, how come you guys thought that what you guys had come out with, was best for me. I really hate that that's a fact now how it was being done. Am I the one being selfish or you guys are? Never count the consequences how it would end up if it were disclosed? Never know how it would haunt me and leave an impact on me?

Have you guys imagined how would I feel, whenever the past overtakes my rational self? I just can't forget, the feeling of being a clown, where everything was being planned and played by you guys. I was the only one being fooled, looking all silly and stupid when the truth was revealed. That feeling is really unforgettable. I'm totally ashamed, embarrassed and no dignity at all, hoping that I were to be somewhere else. But reality tells me, that would never happen and if one day it did, me myself couldn't even make sure that I'd be happy about it.

How much tears that I've dropped? How many times I cried silently but in my heart those cries were as loud as thunder? How many nights that I cried till I fell asleep? I really can't tell. I've lost count so long ago. And yes, I admit that I'm just that lousy and weak.

I hate for being having such good memories where I've tried so hard to forget everything bad that had happened. But my brain is just as stubborn as myself, an oxen. How I wish, I'm not a person that as sensitive as I am today. How I wish, I'm not a person that is so emotional as I am today. These characteristics don't do me any good in these times....

Maybe I, holding back all the emotions by withholding every single words that I wanted to say or shout, is the reason behind how I've ended up today. But if I were given the chance to shout it now, right in front of you all, there would be no voice to come out from an open mouth of mine. It has just sunk too deep for me to express myself anymore. It's too late.

Long enough, I've forgiven you guys as what has been done, can't be undone. But I really can't forget. Sometimes the words are like millions of irritating flies buzzing around my ears or sometimes I feel like I am this tiny little dwarf, standing there and billions of letters fall on my body, hitting me badly.

For many times, I tried to rebuild the relationship between us, but it never last long. Either you did or said something, which brought back all the bad memories again. Really, I tried so hard, but it just wouldn't go well, damn it. I'm suffocating. I never dare to say a single word as I afraid, what I say would end up destroying that little relationship forever that we still have now.

At times, I can't tell what you are actually feeling/ thinking. It used to be I can see things, I don't mean 100% accurate, but mostly 80%. You tell lies, I knew. You are sad, I knew. You are happy, I knew. You are worried, I knew. You are excited, you are upset, you are bored, you are day dreaming and I KNEW. But now, I really don't have the confidence to say that anymore. I can't be sure for everything, not even half. I fail now, totally.

I'm really clueless for what I could do still. I really hate this feeling, this situation, this period. If I ever need to act for a play/ drama, I'd nail it by just thinking all this as I could just shed tears in one blink of my eye.

I really hope that you are not having these dilemma that I am having. The incident has spoil the fun between 4 persons could have, and I assume the rest has moved on, just me that still being covered by these dark clouds.

Maybe I should just be more abusive to myself to get rid of it and stop being conquered by the dreadful past. Whatever which is taboo to see, I see as much as I could. Whatever which is hurtful to talk/ listen to, I talk/ listen to as much as I could. Maybe this is how it could be cured and demolish.

I truly hope that I would overcome this as soon as possible. If not, I'd be haunted and be killed one day- the deadly depression.

I cry silently. I pray silently. Hope HE heals me and rebuked me from this evil spirit soon.....



p/s. Thanks for spending your precious time in reading this and I do not intend to hurt anyone by writing this. I just need to release a bit or I'd explode.

--Jenn a.k.a. blueyfetes--

我又能怎样？

看见我不想看见的东西，会不开心，我能怎样？

正当我的伤口快复原的时候，又有盐巴洒在伤口上，我能怎样？

我尽全力忘记过去，不去想它，但是我的脑袋总是不听话，我能怎样？

我不说话，你们又说我摆臭脸，我能怎样？

我说话，你们又说我太直接，伤到别人的心，我能怎样？

我不喜欢过分短的简讯，你不喜欢传简讯，我能怎样？

我心里明明就很想念你，但是却不能告诉你，我能怎样？

我说，我喜欢你，你说，为什么你要告诉我；

我说，我喜欢你，你说，为什么你不早点告诉我，我能怎样？

我疯狂，你严肃；我热情，你冷酷；我缓慢，你迅速；我积极奋斗，你原地踏步；

你说？？？我又能怎样？？？

我对我说，刻意忘记是行不通的。唯一可以做的，就是学习看开一点。我啊，你已经很努力了！只不过，需要时间．．．．是很长的时间．．．．这就是我，你的弱点。

你说，我还能怎样？



--Jenn a.k.a. blueyfetes--

I love 3P!!

One fine afternoon, I got a sms from Chiann Yien. A good one. A bomb. A sms which able to get me so excited and happy. It's been such a long time ago, that I felt like that after reading a sms. :) It's even longer that we've never been on 3P!!

First we went to KLCC.
I was in the car when taking this... No idea why it's sengit >.<

Then saw this interesting man with 10 fingers at Pavilion.

If kena slap the finger prints sure damn yeng one!

Vincci sales.
I didn't see anything I like there, lucky.

When Harajukus meet.....

Stopped at Gelatomio for ice cream.
Black sesame was awesome!! Yum yum~

Cuppochino was..... uh..... made me drunk.

The happy woman with new hat+fav black sesame ice cream.

Happy man with ice cream + uh.... hair that spikes really high??

Dinner's at:

We knew each other long enough, since standard 3. :)

Happy that after so many years, things between us didn't change much.
Although we don't see each other frequently, but the bond is still there. :) Well, at least I think so.

Various type of Chili~

Looking innocent with flower?

Clinching so hard on her glass of Ice Leman Tea. Hahahaha

Don't know what sour plum drink.
Thing to focus: Xiao bo that cucuking the lemon hysterically. hahahaha

Once they served, I knew it's not going to taste good.
And I was correct!

Sweet and sour chicken.
It tastes okay, but the chicken........ CANNOT LAH!

4 beauties. This is good!
People that don't eat brinjal like me, ate one and did not spit out!

Curry vegetable pot.
Not a bad choice at all. :D

Star decoration temp failed. >.<

Like this pic~
*credit to CY*

After Hon Wei took this pic of me, I said:" take again, you shook hands liao~."

But I look like I was in shock in this pic. Hahaha.
I like the blurry one better :P

One more!

Full moon that night.
No wonder it was so wonderful~ :)

I did not really wrote about you guys before. So I'll just take this chance to write. I'm really happy that we went out together, I mean 3 peeps together, once again. It's been so long ago the last time we did, till I forgot when. I thought it might not happen again, but it did. I just can't stop smiling.

CY- I really like the thoughts and time we shared among each other. Spending time with you is so comforting... as I don't have to act and worry about anything. I appreciate the honesty we shared and silly jokes we had. 14 years++ really isn't a short time, I hope our love will just continue to flow forever~ xoxo

HW- I know you not as long as I know CY, but it's long enough to step into the 11th year. You're someone reliable and always be there whenever I need help. I guess you're the bbf I ever had. I treasure you. xoxo

Ok, enough of emo thoughts :P but I meant for every single word that I typed. I'm lucky to have known you guys and we still stay together until today. I LOVE 3P!!!



--Jenn a.k.a. blueyfetes--

悼念同事- 小文

This is an entry dedicated to my colleague, Ivern. He passed away at 10.30am today due to virus infections in his lungs. He was admitted to the hospital 3 weeks ago and stayed in ICU and never came back to work.... May you rest in peace.

小文，

这样称呼你，似乎很奇怪．．．因为我们并熟悉。　

虽然是同事，但并不多话。

还记得我曾经对你的外套散发的气味，因为你从来都不洗它．．．

还记得我们在你背后笑你拍打驾驶盘的模样．．．

还记得偷偷读你的ｂｌｏｇ，然后又在你背后讨论、大声笑．．．

现在回想起，真是惭愧！

３个星期的病假，然后就传来你的死讯；

我很错愕，眼泪只管不停地流．．．

在想，你实在是还很年轻；

你也不知道自己即将离开，以为下个星期就可以回来上班；

在你离开的时候，又没有亲人、朋友在身边； 种种的理由让我难过得很。

下班时，下起倾盆大雨； 雷公响不停，

闪电直劈； 大树倒地，红绿灯失灵。

天公也感受到大家的心情吧？

Ｉｖｅｒｎ，我衷心希望你已经ｏｎ　ｔｈｅ　ｗａｙ　去极乐，一路好走。

你是个好人，一切一定会顺利。

希望你可以感受到大家对你的心意， 我虽然不能亲口对你说，你会永远留在我的脑海里。

我的同僚，安息吧．．．．．．

May you rest in peace and I'm sorry for being so childish and mean......









--Jenn a.k.a. blueyfetes--

有永恒吗？

I just came back from Griza's party, a little bit of alcohol, I'm so emotional again and can't sleep. I'm going to write again, so many emotional posts recently.... In Chinese again too... sorry to those that can't read Chinese.....




我是敏感的，

不是普通的敏感，

是非常的。

敏感是治不好的，

吃药也只是可以暂时制止，

之后就会复发，是好不起来的。

这个世界上，有永恒吗？

你今天对我说我爱你，

明天你可能会说我已经不爱你了...

朋友，

我真的真的很希望有一个很了解我，

纵容我，疼我，听我，告诉我，陪我，诚实于我，忠于我的。

当然，我也一样可以那样。

在下，有吗？

可能，你会觉得，我实在是too much了...

你顶不住了，讨厌我了，觉得我不可理喻了；

我想说，朋友，你可以bare with me awhile more吗?

我自己也不好受；

令你操心了，心烦了，麻烦了，厌恶了，压力了；

我还需要一点点时间...

爱人，

我也非常非常非常非常非常非常“西北”想要一个，

又或者是，

一个soul mate。

不知道的别手指指说我要求高，

我从没要求一个身家千万，样子长得像吴尊的；

因我从不奢求，也不喜欢帅哥；

不，应该说，我不喜欢五官长得像女孩的男人，

我会自卑。

自卑应该可以直到永恒吧？

我，

看起来很勇敢，很man, 很坚强；

其实我内心软弱，胆怯，漫无目标。

对，I'm lousy。

家人，

我很爱我妈妈；我只说，我不懂得表达；

也对她不客气，容忍，关怀；

看起来，我真的说不上怎么爱她。

我害怕，

害怕有一天她离我而去，

就像爸爸那样.......

什么时候想起，我都可以哭得眼红鼻涕流；

没有永恒...

我害怕，

害怕有一天地球不再转动；

而我也原地不动；

等什么？

我不知道。

我害怕，

害怕失去；

失去我所爱的，需要的，关怀的，忍让我的；

是我自私吗？贪心吗？

也许吧...

当太熟悉的时候，

要求自然而然地大弧度增加；

我的弱点，我喜欢熟悉，我的依赖，我的无理取闹...

我可以怎样？

我确定，这些关于我的，都是永恒的；

怎么改，也改不了。

你说，

我还有什么是永恒的？




--Jenn a.k.a. blueyfetes--

Ferris Wheel

We're in the same gondola,

side by side.

Saw the place that we used to go together,

flash back stopped by.

You whisk me away when you pressed you lips softly on my cheek,

I smiled.

High up on the top,

you were quiet;

I asked what's the matter,

you stayed silent.

A shooting star flashed by,

you quickly made a wish and looked at me;

your eyes are telling me stories, some sincere stories.

Phone rang,

you're occupied with the phone and left me alone.

About to end, I was getting ready to step out;

you came holding my hand,

looked straight into my eyes.

You're sincere, but it was too late.

I had a good time,

you gave me fluctuations and made my heart beat faster and slower.

You had the power,

I amazed that.

I kissed you on your right cheek,

felt your skin and smiled.

I left, with a sorrow heart.

You remained, with a question mark.




P.S. Life is just like riding in a Ferris Wheel. You'd never know what's gonna happen, what to see, what to meet or what to encounter while you're in the gondola. You'd be in ups and downs situation and the Ferris Wheel would not stop for what has happened. It will just go round and round and round......





--Jenn a.k.a. blueyfetes--

视网膜

视网膜，很重要

脱落了，看不见

五颜六色也都不见

在还未恶化之前，

可以动激光手术。

手术后，需好好照顾；

万一卫生不好，就会发炎。

药物如眼药水需准时滴，

需要给以充足的休息。

只是这些，

是不够的。

需加一点：

关怀

睡眠

营养

禁止一切：

飞行

烟酒

辣椒

好好呵护

视网膜就会复原

反之，

它会恶化

复发

甚至完全脱落

好好爱护，快快复原

我会耐心等待。



--Jenn a.k.a. blueyfetes--

笨死了

我今天才恍然大悟

其实我才是最笨的那个

自以为是

被欺骗

被隐瞒

被遗弃

我想说，

一切都是我咎由自取

我笨死了

我真的觉得自己

笨，不够贴切

可能蠢和没脑比较适合用来形容我

我不开心

但我能怎样？

在这里写几个字咯．．．

我渺小得像一粒辰砂．．．

微不足道。

却不能随风漂流

只因．．．我太多负担和顾虑。

我哭泣

他人问

说了

听不懂

还鄙视说

啧

我哭

我的事

你问了

听不懂

是你的事

别发表

我不想听

也不想让自己变得更加更加的渺小．．．．．．．



--Jenn a.k.a. blueyfetes--

你、我

你是石头，我是湖泊；

你的投入，波动了我。

你是太阳，我是氧气；

地球生物，我们给予。

你是燃油，我是机器；

燃烧自己，给我力量。

你是狐狸，我是乌鸦；

被你迷惑，是我的错？

你是秒针，我是时针；

我永远跑得比你多。

你是鲜花，我是绿叶；

目光什么时候都比我多。

你是球拍，我是羽球；

你打我，我从没还手。

你是风，我是落叶；

随风飘泊，永随于你。

究竟我们是唇亡齿寒，还是格格不入、各行其是？

我不想弄清弄楚。

就这样，各有各精彩，生活才有更多的色彩。

我“吃得咸鱼，抵得渴”... 欣然接受。




--Jenn a.k.a. blueyfetes--

Runaway

I think it's time for me to leave

runaway to some place and hide

it's back to me again,

this escaping dream

I think it will never leave alone

nor allow me to rest for long enough

How I wish

that I really could do what I've always been dreaming to do

but this reality just keep holding me down

besides, I do need love

companion

money

attention

consideration

appreciation

and a bit of freedom and privacy from time to time

Whoever can give me all these at the same time?

I know I'm demanding, indeed.



--Jenn a.k.a. blueyfetes--

2009的最后一天...

我并没有出去狂欢，倒数...

我一个人呆在家

妈妈去感恩会

姐姐在荷兰

哥哥在台北

我只有电脑，电视，狗狗，手机和相机...

今年，

过得并不差

也没有说很好

依然没改变的

是空虚的脚步声

我拿起相机

打开窗户

看见月亮被云挡着







后巷的寂静

把气氛显得更加冷漠和孤寂

冷风还微微吹袭...




我想说

2009呀，再见了....

2010，我会把时间表排得满满的

让生活更有意义...

新年快乐（吗？）


-- Jenn a.k.a. blueyfetes--

摆脱不了．．．

过了那么多年，你又突然出现在我的梦里

但是画面依然那么地清晰，

那么地逼真．．．

你依旧是那么地帅和ｆｉｔ

温柔，风度，体贴，仍旧满满。

当你把我的手握紧，温度还是温暖

那梦真的异常逼真．．．

我该庆幸

那只是发生在梦里，

还是惋惜

我不能见到你？

我不了解，只觉得矛盾。

对你的仰慕于敬爱，还是超强．．．

不过，我还是会把丰富的回忆，埋藏心底。

你送的礼物，好好保管在厨里。



--Jenn a.k.a. blueyfetes--

窒息

I can only express my feelings writing in Chinese now....

我觉得很难呼吸... 很辛苦...

其实也没什么大不了，可能是我自己过敏

也可能是我太介意

我知道１０只手指，有长有短

我自问，我接受你的一切

只是有时候彼此会有点磨擦，　我是明白的

但是我真的忍受不了被隐瞒，被欺骗

可能你会觉得那是善意的谎言

但是你应该了解我啊

我再三不经意地提起，不是要证明自己是对的

我只是在给大家机会，　等待你对我坦白的一刻

但是你还是一再地说同样的谎话．．．

是我太了解你，把你看得很透彻；　还是你不懂得说谎？

我宁愿我盲目一点，麻木一点

就不会有无为的伤害，无聊的胡思乱想

我有时在想，太熟悉是一件好事吗？

反而造就成我的懦弱，在意，小气，野蛮，无理

也不敢把心底的话告诉你．．．

担心这个那个的．．．

然后憋在心里．．．．憋得．．．

窒息



--Jenn a.k.a. blueyfetes--

down again...

Not posting very often recently.... I'm feeling down again.... with no particular reason.

Sometimes I wonder, is it because I'm feeling lonely and needing someone to love me?

But I better not to think about anything now...

So I made myself a song... LOL *nonsense as usual*

I just changed the lyrics of London Bridge Is Falling Down to this......

Jennifer Is Feeling Down

Jennifer is feeling down
feeling down feeling down
Jennifer is feeling down
May God bless her

Ok, enough of "sang". Ciao~



--Jenn a.k.a. blueyfetes--

Is this what it is called l.o.v.e.?

When you held my hand,
I had butterflies in my stomach at first,
later it turned to be something sweet....
I practically could taste the sweetness in my mouth.

I felt safe when you embraced me in your arms....
sometimes lose but sometimes tight,
you just got it right every time...
I just felt so protected being with you.

Your hands moving at my back like seeking for something,
wasn't offensive at all...
in fact, it was gentle and attentive, I even felt care...

Your fingers ran through my hair softly...
it was the sweetest moment...
you made me felt so pampered.

I hugged you tight,
you hugged me back tighter...
you made me felt wanted once again.

I melted,
when you called me "Jenn...." softly...
it had been so long since the last time.

I miss the moment....
where I buried my face right in your broad chest...
it was like no distance between you and me...
that I could even hear your heartbeat....
and smelled the fragrance of yours.

When you look straight into my eyes, not saying anything...
I just smiled and looked away...
not because I didn't want to...
I was just afraid...
Afraid that I might do something stupid to scare you away.

And now I'm regretting...
if i did look back,
if we were to connect,
something wonderful might happen.

How I wish there is one day like that again...
that I have the chance to get a hold of you once more...
pamper and protect by you...
hug me tight once more...
and I just couldn't ask for more.

I hope, that you too felt a moment with me....
and wishing you want to have quiet walks with me...
we might be the one to each other
all we need is more time
and only God knows when...




*thanks to Joanna Wong's the best mistake I've ever made*




--Jenn a.k.a. blueyfetes--

Heartache again....

My dear baby Zoe, is now in the hospital, suffering in pain. T___T

Since Monday (1st June), she told me her stomach feeling weird and funny. That day, we both rushed to the toilet like a competition. What a good 'couple' we are.

Tuesday, she was still feeling the same. I told her I felt like goldfish swimming in my stomach, her was worse, a shark is swimming in her stomach.

Wednesday morning, I reached at work and her place was empty. I sms her and asked, she said her stomach pain until she couldn't stand straight. Leng ti (pretty aunty) brought her to see the doctor on Tuesday night and in the morning. But in the afternoon, when I was still at work, she called me.

"Baby.... can you please go ask which hospital I can go..... using the company medical card?" her voice was like sooooo weak and trembling, like passing out at anytime soon. I quickly ran to JJ, asked her about it. I could feel my heart was like going to bounce out from my mouth anytime soon.

Once I got it, I called her back to tell her. That night, her mm informed me that she had been admitted to the hospital in Bangsar.

After a few days, she was discharged after doing ultrasound and scope check-up. The doctor said something about the acid and some 'burnt' part at her esophagus.

On Monday (8th June), she was still resting at home because doctor advised her to do so. She was thinking she could back to work the next day, while talking to her on msn in the after when I got home, she told me she's in great pain again. In the end, she's back to the hospital again.

That night, I had my heartache..... worrying about her and what is happening to her...... She's scared and worried as well. I did tell her nothing bad, she's going to recover very soon. But me myself is actually more afraid and worried. I had trouble falling asleep.

The next day, I went to visit her with Rachel and Asif. Going to the hospital is something really hard for me... 3 of my closest went into the hospital and that were the end of their journey.... Being rushed to the hospital or paying visits really terrify me... I feel the sore and bad feelings in my stomach and heart just to think of it.

The first time, when I was 14, grandpa was staying in the hospital for quite a long time. Watching him to suffer, was something really really painful. He screamed and cried for the pain, complained that he saw black figures waiting to take him away from us (he's a Christian, so it's something quite difficult to explain and scary to see for us), that was the moment that will stick in my mind forever. He passed away at the age of 83.

The second, my grandma, when I was 16. She had cancer in her pancreas. Hospital and her house were the places she stayed. I'm happy that I did spend a lot of time with her at her house when I was actually having my end of year school break that time. Whenever the time she was at home, I went there to be with her and watched tv with her. She used to take care of me when I was still young. She passed away at the age of 75 if not mistaken.

The third, my dad, when I was 18. He had lungs cancer. I can still remember one day when I came back from college, mom called and said dad was in critical, his blood pressure was dropping drastically. Hon Wei sent me to the hospital asap. Those feelings are really scarry.... I can still feel it now... During the time where all cell cancer filled all the space in his lungs, he couldn't breathe properly, couldn't smoke anymore... he just held the cigarette between his fingers.... I'll remember forever how cigarettes ended my dad's life.

That was something really scary to recall. Every 2 years, it happened. It's really hard to put in words....

If it's not someone really close to me, I don't think I'd be going to the hospital..... Lucky enough, I had the company from Rachel and Asif...... If not, I don't know how were I going to go through it.....

Taking body temp.
We joked about her suspected to have A (H1N1). :P

Pity de baby... the hand is one size bigger.... sob sob

I wish her to recover as soon as possible. I pray for you everyday. Angga does the same too. With so many other wishes, you'll get well in no time!! Woooosh!!!!!



***********************************************************************************

I had something with needle as well..... As I keep having this nausea and giddiness, I thought it was because my eyes. So I went to see the panel doctor to get a referral letter. He doesn't think that it has anything to do with my eyes.

So he gave me medicine to prevent giddiness. If it persisted, I had to do a blood test.

Yes, the giddiness definitely persisted. And I went to draw the blood last Friday. Dr. Kang wasn't there. Another doctor that doesn't look like a doc, look more like a construction worker. He got ginger beer on the desk, I smelled cigarettes from his body and the desk was so messy. I got nervous when seeing that doc and thinking, he's going to draw my blood.... damn!!!

He tied my arm with a glove, then, slapping it to get the vine... for so many times, and said not showing, not showing... *faint* Finally, he took out the needle, dropped it on the floor. WTF!!! So clumsy!! I was so worried that time and thinking, is he really a doctor???

I closed my eyes as he was going to poke in the needle.... "Smart" enough, he poked in with my arm stretched. The pain was like... making all the nerves in your body to be twisted and stranggled?? And all the hair stood, with the each muscles tensed!! He did not give up, he twisted the needle while it was still in my arm. OH MY!!!!!!!!

Finally, enough of blood. Took out the needle, and pressed the 'injured' part damn hard, and pushed to bend my arm. I could feel it was all swollen..... tears were about to roll down....

It looked like this that afternoon.

Second day.

Third day.

Fourth day.

No thanks to that 'barbarian' looking doc for what he had done. HUMPH!!

I'd been waiting for the blood test results. Then I got it on Wednesday (1oth June). I was blanked, didn't know how to react of what he just told me (not the barbarian... the usual doc).

Dr Kang:" Your blood test shows that you have no many problems. Basically you're healthy. Just that your hemoglobin is a little bit abnormal. Normally the life span of hemoglobin for normal person is about 3 months, and yours only 2 months. That's why you feel giddy all the time. Besides, you're tested to be a thalassaemia minor. No big effects to your daily life, but nausea and giddiness. But before you carry a baby or get married, get you partner to test for thalassaemia as well. If not your baby might have the chance not to live beyond teenage."

Oh.... hmmm........ ar.......... blank.

Gribbles.... again.

Thank goodness it has chinese, so mom can read as well.

Today, I ate one tablet of "Tanakan" that given by Doctor Kang. As he said, it's for my blood circulation, better circulation. It didn't help me, again. I got all giddy, nausea. In the end, I vomited in the toilet while I was still at work. Plus, I had a hectic day, and bugged,pissed by Winnie the Ding Dong again. Idiot number 1.

I got home, vomited again. Now, still spinning.... Dang!!! And Rachel just told me she might have dengue fever. Now having fever and symptoms.... WHAT's happening weyyyyyyyy~~~~~!!!!!

URGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


--Jenn a.k.a. blueyfetes--