Ghost in me

This is my first time to talk about it publicly after since it happened for such a long time ago. For almost a year it has happened, but it's still haunting me until today.

During that time, I thought I was alright and everyone that knew about it, I just told them that I'm ok. I'm super fine. I really thought I was too. But I was wrong. I'm not fine with it at all. After awhile, I did not talk nor think about it. Hence, it had become a taboo for me. Never to mention about it again.

It's so wrong that time to time, all the words that you guys said behind me, would just appear lashing me again and again. The images of what had happened, would just bouncing excitedly in my mind. Then only I knew, the wound has never been recovered. It's always there, just that I've ignored it. Because those words and images, are like salt sprinkled on an injury.

Until today, I really can't think through, how come you guys thought that what you guys had come out with, was best for me. I really hate that that's a fact now how it was being done. Am I the one being selfish or you guys are? Never count the consequences how it would end up if it were disclosed? Never know how it would haunt me and leave an impact on me?

Have you guys imagined how would I feel, whenever the past overtakes my rational self? I just can't forget, the feeling of being a clown, where everything was being planned and played by you guys. I was the only one being fooled, looking all silly and stupid when the truth was revealed. That feeling is really unforgettable. I'm totally ashamed, embarrassed and no dignity at all, hoping that I were to be somewhere else. But reality tells me, that would never happen and if one day it did, me myself couldn't even make sure that I'd be happy about it.

How much tears that I've dropped? How many times I cried silently but in my heart those cries were as loud as thunder? How many nights that I cried till I fell asleep? I really can't tell. I've lost count so long ago. And yes, I admit that I'm just that lousy and weak.

I hate for being having such good memories where I've tried so hard to forget everything bad that had happened. But my brain is just as stubborn as myself, an oxen. How I wish, I'm not a person that as sensitive as I am today. How I wish, I'm not a person that is so emotional as I am today. These characteristics don't do me any good in these times....

Maybe I, holding back all the emotions by withholding every single words that I wanted to say or shout, is the reason behind how I've ended up today. But if I were given the chance to shout it now, right in front of you all, there would be no voice to come out from an open mouth of mine. It has just sunk too deep for me to express myself anymore. It's too late.

Long enough, I've forgiven you guys as what has been done, can't be undone. But I really can't forget. Sometimes the words are like millions of irritating flies buzzing around my ears or sometimes I feel like I am this tiny little dwarf, standing there and billions of letters fall on my body, hitting me badly.

For many times, I tried to rebuild the relationship between us, but it never last long. Either you did or said something, which brought back all the bad memories again. Really, I tried so hard, but it just wouldn't go well, damn it. I'm suffocating. I never dare to say a single word as I afraid, what I say would end up destroying that little relationship forever that we still have now.

At times, I can't tell what you are actually feeling/ thinking. It used to be I can see things, I don't mean 100% accurate, but mostly 80%. You tell lies, I knew. You are sad, I knew. You are happy, I knew. You are worried, I knew. You are excited, you are upset, you are bored, you are day dreaming and I KNEW. But now, I really don't have the confidence to say that anymore. I can't be sure for everything, not even half. I fail now, totally.

I'm really clueless for what I could do still. I really hate this feeling, this situation, this period. If I ever need to act for a play/ drama, I'd nail it by just thinking all this as I could just shed tears in one blink of my eye.

I really hope that you are not having these dilemma that I am having. The incident has spoil the fun between 4 persons could have, and I assume the rest has moved on, just me that still being covered by these dark clouds.

Maybe I should just be more abusive to myself to get rid of it and stop being conquered by the dreadful past. Whatever which is taboo to see, I see as much as I could. Whatever which is hurtful to talk/ listen to, I talk/ listen to as much as I could. Maybe this is how it could be cured and demolish.

I truly hope that I would overcome this as soon as possible. If not, I'd be haunted and be killed one day- the deadly depression.

I cry silently. I pray silently. Hope HE heals me and rebuked me from this evil spirit soon.....



p/s. Thanks for spending your precious time in reading this and I do not intend to hurt anyone by writing this. I just need to release a bit or I'd explode.

--Jenn a.k.a. blueyfetes--